Jan 25 2009
Why Even Good Men Make Me Glad I’m Single (or) Tired of Her Nagging? Think Ahead
Over the past week, I read an incredible article that I came across in Parenting (Find it at http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Mad-at-Dad ). I found myself saying things like “Yeah!” and “That’s exactly what I’ve been saying,” as I gobbled the words. In the article, Brockenbrough details the results of a survey of mothers on issues such as what gets their ‘dander up’ with their husbands. And what was the overall theme of their complaints? (Shockingly–oh yeah, big surprise) To paraphrase, the women didn’t like who they became around their husbands. It boils down to that, anyway.
They complained that men didn’t ’see a need and fill it’. (Obviously, those guys didn’t watch Robots–”just one more time”again– with the kidlings. ) Many of their significant others didn’t seem to notice household jobs without being told about them… then asked to complete them… then reminded to complete them… then being told to complete them…. You get the idea.
Is it a man’s fault? Probably not (too much). Those men probably have a better take on the situation, really. I mean, is it truly important to clean the dishes off the table before bed?? This is especially true because when left out, the dishes will magically disappear overnight. With that knowledge, I’d wait to do those chores, too. Of course, when the magic dish-cleaning fairy stops dropping in for a few weeks, even the most laid back honey can smell it. Of course, so can everyone else.
The women in the article felt like they had to do most every day-to-day chore themselves, or become a stereotypical nag. Neither choice very pleasant.
I’m sure this could go the other way, too, instead of following these gender-typed roles. However, the males did not complete a similar poll for this article.
The issues:
- differing priorities
- balancing out each other (one becomes more laid-back when the other becomes more attuned)
- mind preoccupation/singular focus
- gender typing??
- lack of need to be”perfect” vs. dive to be the best
- tasks themselves–no or little recognition for effort (Who notices a clean floor? But a dirty one, everyone sees!)
I’ve often found myself saying (or sometimes just thinking)–’if I have to ask you constantly to do something, it’s almost like you haven’t done it’. I feel like a villain–or overseer–jobs I never really wanted. Partnerships should have their priorities aligned–or at least understand the other person’s priorities. And a partner should be looking for ways to do nice things for the other. If both do, both can be happier.
The deal–Guys, if you find things that need doing and do them, I will choose my battles, and not mention that I tripped over your shoes in the living room this morning or that the red shirt really shouldn’t have been washed with the white sheets.
Happy women became more playful, laid back women… and that can definitely have its perks. And when we find a guy that cleans out the vacuum brushes without being asked–or that even knows that the vacuum brushes need cleaning–we find it hard to keep our hands off of him. Then everyone’s happy.
Just putting in my two guy’s perspective points. I agree that some of the problems are different priorities and differing comfort levels. For some women to feel comfortable, safe, and have a house that’s presentable to the outside world their living space has to be at a certain level of clean that for the guy may seem unecessary or he may even prefer a bit more of the “lived in” look. However, far too many couples don’t discuss these issues assuming that the other sees things the way they do and con sometimes perceive it as a slight if the other doesn’t adhere to their same standard. I think communication is a big part of it and as silly as it may seem having duties that are discussed and understood by both parties and perhaps even listed helps alot. With my personality type having check lists helps me out otherwise I tend to foget things even though I want to do them. Now that is not to say the woman has to make the list out or be in charge of remininding the man to do it. He can set a reminder for himself on his outlook calendar or if he does the vaccuming every other week for example he’s more likely to notice that the brushes need to be cleaned out and then clean them. I don’t want to remove all opportunities for spontaneous acts of kindness on both parts but I think both parties will feel more playfull and warm toward each other when they are on the same page in regard to sometimes menial tasks that neither enjoy doing.
Here, here! I agree that communication is vital to being able to bear each other. I’ve also seen how much gets done that goes into an electronic schedule. If guys don’t notice naturally, then I suppose an electronic reminder would be a great help.
Sometimes it is hard to put a voice to these issues, though. There seems to be a thin line between ‘trying to change’ someone and ‘being shown respect’. And far to many women fail to understand that a guy can trip over shoes, a playstation, and a basket of laundry and not notice that things need to be picked up.
Thank you for sharing your view!